GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!

Dreams with Deadlines

Life Coaches like to say, "Goals are dreams with deadlines." But, as inspiring as that statement is on its surface, it leaves a lot to the imagination so I think it helps to analyze it a bit. "Unpack it," in the current vernacular. In my short, but intense, experience as a Life Coach so far, I have found that people tend to think of goals as abstract ideas about what they'd like to have in their lives. So I hear things like, "I'd like to be thin," or, "I want to be independently wealthy," or, "Someday, I'll be famous!" But goals in life should actually be just like goals in sports; specific targets that you have to work very hard toward, against all of the opposing forces, in order to achieve success. In other words, you've got to know exactly what you want, figure out how to get it, and you've really got to want it 'cause it ain't gonna be easy. So if instead of saying, "I want to be independently wealthy," people were to say, "I'm going to study incredibly hard in high school so I can get straight A's, go to college at an Ivy League School, get a job as a Financial Analyst in investment banking at Goldman Sachs when I'm 22 years old, work 15 hours a day for 10 years, make all the right political connections so that I make Managing Director by the time I'm 40, invest in the company 401K and have a solid stock portfolio so that I can afford my second wife and a boat for my retirement at age 50 (after my first or second heart attack, of course)," that would actually be closer to a realistic goal. Not a good one, in this coach's opinion, but it does have more of the elements of a SMART goal. So what are the elements of a truly good goal, and just how does one go about setting a good goal?

Pipe Dreams

First let's define what the statements that people normally think of as goals really are. "Someday, I'll be famous!" is not a goal; it is a very vague vision. When people make these types of statements, there are two things going on. First, they are idealizing a situation that is far from ideal. Being famous is very difficult. Paparazzi are not fun when you haven't shaved or had a cup of coffee in the morning. Fans are not fun when you are trying to eat a meal or get your kids in a cab. If you're going to be famous, you'd better be ready for everything that that brings along with it in today's environment; Twitter accounts, stalkers, bad reviews, Us Magazine stories about your relationships, interviews, working out a ton, agents who focus on the next hot thing to walk into their office… You've got to have supreme self-confidence and an iron will to not end up like Lindsay Lohan, or worse, Amy Winehouse!!

The other thing that is usually going on is that this vision is left completely amorphous so that it isn't real, because if it were real, there would be no reason not to work toward it. Just like saying, "I'd like to be thin," has no real meaning because it doesn't get at the behavior that underlies being heavier, "Someday, I'll be famous," has no connection to the work that one would have to do to achieve that vision. This is the stuff of pipe dreams. What's in the pipe? It ain't tobacco, that's for sure.

I'm Having a Vision…

But let's say being famous is something that you would really like to strive toward (insert your own desires here), and you're willing to put yourself "out there" and take whatever comes. In order to get the statement to be something real, you've got to change it into a working Vision Statement. A Vision Statement defines what a desirable future for you really is. A Vision Statement is something that makes sense to you; you understand it completely, intuitively, but it has some expressed details in it. It incorporates your core values and utilizes your strengths. So, let's say that you've redefined your vision in a somewhat more concrete statement like, "I am going to be famous by the time I'm 25 by bringing beauty and understanding to the world doing dramatic acting in movies in Hollywood." As a coach, I would recommend against having "being famous" in the vision because, if you love what you do, the fringe benefits are not what make you do it, the work is inherently satisfying. But just for the sake of argument, let's run with this vision.

Finally the Goal Setting Part!!

Okay, okay… I felt that we needed to get something to work with, but I also wanted to get you to understand part of why people often fail to realize their dreams. Mistaking an undefined, idealized vision for a goal is a total game stopper. Even the Vision Statement above is not what I would coach toward, but let's take it one step at a time. If you want to bring beauty to the world through acting and get famous by twenty five it helps to have a plan. Planning means setting intermittent goals that take you toward achieving your vision. Planning is goal setting. If I were coaching someone with the Vision Statement above, I would work with them to find out what steps they were willing to take toward the vision. A good goal in this case would be to start taking acting classes. But if you're serious about the endeavor, you might want to investigate which acting classes would best suit your skills, personality and what you want to achieve. In that case, a good goal for the week might be, "I will investigate 10 sets of acting classes using my lunch time on Monday, Wednesday and Friday by searching the internet and making phone calls for twenty minutes each of those days." Breaking down this goal, you will see that it is a SMART Goal, but watch what happens.

Always be S.M.A.R.T.

I love acronyms that are actual words! So efficient! The acronym SMART, as it applies to goals, breaks down as follows:

S - Specific

M - Measurable

A - Attainable or Agreed Upon

R – Realistic and/or Relevant

T - Time Bound

 

Any goal that you really want to achieve must be stated in these terms, otherwise it isn't real enough to your brain to make you take action. So how specific do you need to be? Very specific, because as you try to figure out where, when, how, why and with whom you will attempt to achieve your goal, the blockages and obstacles, fears and frustrations appear like the rearing, horrible heads of the hydra of habit that they are. As you go through the exercise of creating a SMART goal, you may also find yourself exercising the demons of a history of inaction or even failure. But as Buddhists like to point out, the past is in the past and you can do nothing about it but accept it, learn from it and move on. So let's review the smart goal "I will investigate 10 sets of acting classes using my lunch time on Monday, Wednesday and Friday by searching the internet and making phone calls for twenty minutes each of those days," and see how we rank it on the SMART scale.

Specific

Is it Specific? It has a target of 10 acting classes to be researched, it says when you're going to do research by days and at a specific times (over lunch), and for how long. The problem with NOT saying for how long you will do research, by the way, is that once you get started on something, it is hard to disengage, especially if the activity is for something important to you. Human nature is a pit bull that way. But if you spend too much time researching (or working, or cleaning, or on the internet…), you become unbalanced very quickly and don't do other things that you should be doing (eating lunch, playing with kids, talking to friends or family, making a healthy meal, working out…). If the goal ultimately says twenty minutes, stick to it, there was a reason you put that in the goal. Anyway, for specificity, this is a good goal.

Measurable

A goal of researching 10 lessons? Measurable by counting. 20 minutes for three days? Measurable by time. I think we're good here, but let's stay flexible.

Attainable or Agreed Upon

Hopefully, you have looked ahead and thought through your week so that you know that Monday, Wednesday and Friday lunches are going to be your free time. 10 classes to be researched? That's a little bit more than three per twenty minute session. You have to find the classes, analyze the information on the internet, and call and ask questions. If you stop to think and work smarter, not harder, on this, it might make sense to look up all the classes at one time – more efficient internet research time – and write all of the names and numbers down on paper with space to write the answers to your questions when you call. Hmmm… can you do that in 20 minutes? Might be pushing it. Maybe change Monday to 30 or 40 minutes of research time. Okay, no problem. The other two days you make phone calls, ask questions and get answers. Five each day in twenty minutes? Could work… but maybe again scheduling 40 minutes per session makes sense in case a conversation goes particularly well here and there. No problem. It might make sense to have a set of good questions that you want to ask in order to assess the classes for what you want. Maybe making a list ahead of time on Sunday night would be a good idea. No problem – Sunday for 30 minutes, think up a list of 5 or so questions you want to get answered for each class. Got it.

As you can see, planning takes time. Good planning and planning that makes you work smarter, not harder, takes even more time!! But it saves tons of time and frustration when you are actually attacking your goal. Okay. I think we've got Attainable down now. Let's assume you've checked with bosses about 1 hour lunches and significant others about the possibility of class time, shall we?

Realistic/Relevant

This goal seems pretty realistic now – but it has changed. And now it is more than one goal.

1. I will spend 30 minutes on Sunday evening writing out a list of 5 questions for the acting classes.
2. I will research 10 classes on the internet for 40 minutes on Monday at lunch time.
3. I will spend 40 minutes over lunch time on Wednesday and Friday making phone calls to identified classes and ask my question?

Funny how that works. Before we thought it through, it seemed totally doable… a non-issue. But now it seems like a lot more work, doesn't it?? Very often as I get people to start thinking through all of the elements of a good goal, they get dejected and want to stop talking about achieving the goal. When they realize just how much work it will actually be to realize their vision, they give up before they've started. Many people will say,"But why can't I just… (insert short-cut here)?" When I ask if they have tried what they've suggested before, they usually say, "yes." Then I ask if it worked.

Slowing down and taking time to plan is called working smarter, not harder, and almost nobody actually does it. When you take the time to think things through, you actually come up with a plan that is the least likely to be frustrating and fraught with problems that will increase the effort that you have to put in to succeed at the goal, and the overall amount of work to reach your vision. Imagine not having the questions thought out ahead of time and having to call several places back AFTER you thought of the perfect question. And believe me, taking the wrong class (perhaps because it's the cheapest option, for example) will definitely increase the time it will take you to achieve your vision, wasting time, money, and energy. When your goal is realistic, it has the highest chance of succeeding and the lowest possible risk. Looking back now, this all seems painfully Realistic and shockingly Relevant, no?

Time Bound

We had some good time elements in the first goal, but this new set of goals is even better. Lots of timing. You'll finish this in a week and have great information for your next week's goal. Deciding which class to take and signing up. I know this whole set of things to do just to choose an acting class seems like a lot of work. It is. Maybe when you're under twenty five this seems excessive, and lacking in spontaneity and awfully time-consuming. But tell me. How many really good-looking waiters do you know?

GOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLL!

We can now pull this whole dissertation together. For those of you who haven't fallen asleep, thanks for bearing with me. In keeping with the sports theme at the start of this discussion, your Vision Statement is your ultimate target; the end zone past the goal posts. The weekly and daily SMART Goals are the playbook; the strategies that you will use to get the next ten yards. To get to the end zone, you use what you know about the game, the rules, your teammates, the opponents, the playing field, the boundary lines… to move the ball a little at a time, you adjust when something doesn't work (learn from failure), and when you see a big opening, you run or throw a pass. In life as in football, really long passes known as "Hail Mary's" are very low percentage plays. Well calculated risk is what pays off. And when you take the field, you don't play not to lose; you play to win; all-out, SMART, using your whole team, and in the zone. So after all that what exactly is a goal? A dream with deadlines, baby… a dream with deadlines.

Junk Food Jungle

Cheetos are not food. They are not a snack or even a treat. They are things that taste good but that no one should actually eat. Ever. Make no mistake… I like things that taste good. And Cheetos taste good. So do Coco Puffs, Twinkies, Big Macs and Potato Skins. That doesn’t mean you should eat them very often, if ever. We all know that these things are fattening and bad for us, so some of us refrain… in favor of a smoothie?? Fewer of us have gotten the message that substituting an extremely unhealthy treat for a “healthy” one still means you’re taking in extra calories. Yep, that Jamba Juice that you sip to stave off starvation in the late afternoon will set you back at least 250 calories. The Starbucks Cafe Latte costs you 168 calories. That’s the Tall, by the way, not the Grande. So, let’s just stick with something truly healthy. Nothing! Did I hear your jaw hit the desk? “But I get hungry in the afternoon, I need a snack.” Or, “I only eat organic Power Bars so she doesn’t mean me.” Yes, I do. I believe that anything that you eat that isn’t absolutely necessary to sustain your life is a treat, but that’s another blog post. Instead of eating a snack or a treat, take a walk and DON’T BUY ANYTHING TO PUT IN YOUR MOUTH! You don’t even have to go outside if it’s thirty below zero, just get up from your chair and walk around the office. Notice things that you haven’t before. Talk to someone you haven’t before. Take five minutes and call your – insert loved one here - wife, dad, Catalyst Coach, therapist, whatever. If by the time you have gotten back to your desk or off the phone you are still hungry, hunt down an apple. That hunt alone could burn a couple hundred calories since apples are so hard to find. Things that are good for you are scarce and “expensive” in the US. Things that are bad for you are readily available and cheap. Yep… it’s a jungle out there!

Our society is overwhelmed with temptation. Businesses touting “healthy” foods are springing up like weeds in an untended field. And the power of advertising is clear. It is disgraceful that we allow companies to make a product in this country and label it “healthy” just because the company took the time to inject the product with artificial vitamins and minerals of dubious origin. No matter how many claims of whole grain, vitamins and minerals you put on the box of Lucky Charms, no one should actually eat them. They are not healthy for you. Chances are neither is your granola bar. Buying a loaf of bread is a terrific challenge if you’re a label reader and have any knowledge of how bread is made. My aunt made the most delicious bread ever with flour, water, yeast and a little salt. This is the ingredients label from Pepperidge Farm Natural Bread 100% Whole Wheat:

INGREDIENTS: Unbromated Stone Ground 100% Whole Wheat Flour, Water, Crushed Wheat, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Shortening (Soybean and Cottonseed Oils), Raisin Juice Concentrate, Wheat Gluten, Yeast, Whole Wheat Flakes, Unsulphured Molasses, Salt, Honey, Vinegar, Enzyme Modified Soy Lecithin, Cultured Whey, Wheat Starch, Unbleached Wheat Flour and Soy Lecithin.

How they get away with calling it “Natural” when it’s got High Fructose Corn Syrup and Partially Hydrogenated Oil in it, I don’t know. Here is the ingredient list for Kellogg’s Smart Start cereal:

INGREDIENTS: Rice, Whole Grain Wheat, Sugar, Oat Clusters (Sugar, Toasted Oats [Rolled Oats, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Molasses, Honey], Wheat Flakes, Crisp Rice [Rice, Sugar, Malt, Salt], Corn Syrup, Polydextrose, Honey, Cinnamon, BHT [Preservative], Artificial Vanilla Flavor), High Fructose Corn Syrup, Salt, Honey, Malt Flavoring, Alpha Tocopherol Acetate (Vitamin E), Niacinamide, Zinc Oxide, Reduced Iron, Sodium Ascorbate and Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Calcium Pantothenate, Yellow No. 5, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride (Vitamin B6), Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Thiamin Hydrochloride (Vitamin B1), BHT (Preservative), Vitamin A Palmitate, Folic Acid, Beta Carotene (a Source of Vitamin A), Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D

Did anyone notice that sugar is listed four times? And if you add in high fructose corn syrup, molasses, regular corn syrup, and honey, sugars are listed ten times. That’s 10!! Times!! Just start on the insulin right now!!

I recently saw a PBS show where Jennifer Michaels gave a talk about taking control of your metabolism. I like the fact that she uses biochemistry to explain how certain ingredients in packaged and processed foods interfere with your body’s natural processes – particularly the hormones effecting satiety. She also agrees with many health writers that have done research that foods that have been sprayed with pesticides, or other “cides” and foods that have been genetically modified to resist pests, drought, etcetera, no longer have the nutrients that our body uses to regulate its cycles and functions.

The message? Eat organic, unprocessed, unprepared foods. All the time. Or don’t eat at all!!! A difficult thing in our food-marketing-laden society, but a must if we are going to find our way out of the Junk Food Jungle and back to normal human body masses. Eat Greek yogurt and fruit for breakfast, or fry an egg and add some veggies. Do not eat cereal except as a treat – it is not good for you and will make you want more carbohydrates!! Get into the practice of bringing an apple to work every day. Have nuts with no added sugar or salt and berries as snacks. Nuts are very portable!! Eat salads for lunch as often as possible. This seems extreme to you, huh? Okay… okay… When you have been good all week, treat yourself to a visit in the Junk Food Jungle – but beware… make sure you can find your way out!

The Sounds of Committment

Running sucks! Awwwhhh… it’s 38 degrees outside!! Gawhhh! I hate the cold! It’ll be okay after about 15 minutes… after I’ve warmed up… Oh… But that first 15 minutes is SO painful. Screw it. I’m just going to stay inside and do the P90X video instead. Isn’t that working out, too? But the Shamrock Shuffle is coming up and that’s an 8K, and I’d really like to run the whole thing, especially since I already ran a 10K in DC in October and so I know what I need to do to train… Just put on another jacket and get your butt outside… okay, okay, okay… gotta stop in the bathroom real quick… where are my darn gloves… gloves, gloves… Gloves? Really, I’m going to run with gloves on?? Hhhhawhhh… Okay, gloves on, oooo, I’d better get a hat. Why don’t I just put a parka on while I’m at it!!?... Okay, okay… keys… door locked, oh, this sucks, it’s cold out – go faster - get warm fast. Watch out for the ice on the bridge.. Oh look!... the sanitary canal is still iced over... such a lovely day in March in Chicago… When the kids are out of the house, we are SOOOOO outta here, moving to San Diego… or Panama, or Bali – somewhere warm all year… Okay, I’m getting warm now… Oh Look! Another runner. Crazy girl is in shorts?!! Whataryanuts?? “Hi” ...crazy girl. I guess when you’re twenty your nerve endings don’t go all the way to your skin yet… Oh, here’s a guy runner – dressed properly… “Hello” Okay, just breathe for a while…

The lake looks beautiful… kinda lonely-gray and rumbly…

“Good morning” Walker. Walking’s good. Gotta get those Wellness Walks going in April again, they were fun. Such nice people around here. Good, open-minded people. Easy to talk to and work with. I have to remember to tell Andy that I heard him on NPR the other day. It’s so great that I know law professors! And they speak on public radio and write books! Should have those guys over for Indian since his wife turned me on to the cookbook. How fun is my life!!???

Oh look! It’s my turn around!! Okay! Half way! Not too shabby. I will need to do this more for the next month or so so I can run the 8K. Maybe if I plan in one long run a week, one yoga or P90X session, the regular Tae Quon Do with Leo on Saturdays… that should work, and if I get in another short run during the week, yep, that should work... Great!…

Hey!... Look at that! The robins are back! Hello little robin, what do you know that Mother Nature hasn’t figured out yet?... Huh! Maybe spring really is on its way. “Hi” Dog walker… cute dog… Lucas still wants a dog… and an X-Box… get used to disappointment, kid. Gosh my kids are great! Beautiful, beautiful kids… if I can just get Leo to settle down a bit during school… Really he needs to get out and move more. He’s my gamer, my coach potato… he liked rock climbing at the gym, though, gotta get him in a class…

Just breathe…

Okay! Here’s the bridge again… “Hi” That guy had his ear buds in, but I saw him smile. Just breathe…

There’s my house – don’t stop – just breathe…

Run to the tree in front like always… okay, okay, okay, okay, okay… whew! Did it. Keys? Keys, lock, jacket off… whew! I feel great now!… That was great! That route is about two miles, I think… Running’s great!!!

Toto, I Don’t Think We’re in Kansas Anymore…

Coach Oz

If only… These are the most self-defeating words ever spoken. And they are spoken a lot. In the Wizard of Oz, Judy Garland sings in that seductive, too-deep-for-a-young-girl voice, "Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true." So here's the problem with dreams. Just as Dorothy did, we all dream of receiving things like money, love, beauty, an easy life, understanding… without having to work for them. In Dorothy's case, she has a dog that she has trouble controlling, a nasty tormentor whom she doesn't understand and who clearly has no interest in understanding others, and she gets into trouble when she acts childishly, walks along the fence and falls into the pig pen. And, in the beginning, she does get saved by the farm hand. She is a child, after all. But reading deeper into the metaphor, Dorothy is an archetype for everyone living their lives suffering. A Princess awaiting a Prince to relieve her of all of her cares. But the whole point of the film is that people must save themselves. It is very aptly illustrated in the Wizard of Oz that we all possess the courage, heart, and intelligence to accomplish whatever it is that we set out to do, we just have to access these resources through education and self-reflection (searching our hearts), and apply these skills mindfully (courageously). Yep. I look at this movie as an excellent example of high-quality Life Coaching! The Wizard does not give Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, or the Scarecrow anything of intrinsic value or even anything that might be useful on the journey (like a bucket of water). He sets them to a task, sends them on a journey, and then explains that they should be proud of themselves for having reached their goals. Then, he disappears from their lives, confident that he has left his friends with a better understanding of themselves, and thus mature enough to find their own way home.

Philosophoz 

Most of us, at one point or another, have dreamed of being famous, being wealthy, owning luxurious things, not having to work… If only we could win the lottery. If only we had gotten our PhD's. If only we had been born into wealth. If only we had the money to get a nanny, cleaning lady, house manager, accountant and gardener. Then we'd have the time to do what it is that we really want to do. We idealize situations that we have not experienced, and so, set ourselves up for very deep seeded frustrations with our lives as they are. We are frustrated with reality. It is a real shame that most of us live our lives longing for the "what if", instead of taking steps to achieve a reality that we would like. So what do we do instead? Just what Dorothy did. We run away. We escape. And we have thousands of tools with which to do just that. Food, TV, work, the internet, books, blogs, drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery, Facebook, shopping, casinos, friends, video games… For some of us, even exercise is a means of escape. You've seen those overly buff, tanned-all-year folks, haven't you? And some of us get so caught up in the idea that a better life lies elsewhere that we literally walk away. But a good coach can get you to realize that the only thing standing between you and happiness is you. Wellness and Life Coaches are trained to help people investigate their own feelings about themselves and their lives, and to help them become fully aware of the feelings that hold them back. They also help people to be appreciative of everything that they have and get joy from just being alive. They essentially get people to deal with reality. Eckhart Tolle calls this state being "fully awake"; as would Buddhists (Buddhists would also call it enlightenment). Nietzsche calls it "life-affirmation", Sartre, "being-in-itself" and Maslow termed it "self-actualization." The list of philosophers, psychologists, spiritual leaders, writers, singers and artists that try to describe, define and express happiness is vast and diverse, indeed! You'd think civilization would "get it" by now. But we don't. Most of us lie somewhere along the spectrum of completely ignoring reality (hoarders, alcoholics, terrorists, drug addicts, gang bangers, the clinically insane) to conveniently ignoring parts of it at times (letting the kids watch TV so you don't have to entertain them). But Life and Wellness Coaches know that somewhere deep within ourselves we all recognize that there is no such thing as living in a dream world. Coaches understand that making default choices out of habit is a bad thing, even when no real harm is done, and they can get us to make better choices for ourselves more, or even most of the time.

Advertoz ;-)
 

Now, I already know that some of you have gone down the path of feeling guilty. "I let my kids watch TV all the time! Bad, mommy… bad!" Or, "I'm so disorganized… if only I could get the house in order, then I'd get to that book I want to write." Fully awake people do not cause their own stress by having these thoughts. The self-actualized have the confidence to say to themselves, "I made the choice to let my children watch TV because they had been at school all day and needed a break, and it was convenient and a treat for me to cook dinner without interruptions tonight." Enlightened people recognize that the book is more important than a clean house, but that the house is important, too. So they balance their activities, recognizing that a break from writing to clean the house will actually help their writing. A good coach can help you get to this point. Can get you to break free of habitual behavior and fear of the unknown. So… sorry, Dorothy, but, there's no place like home. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, money can't buy you love (or an easy life), and if you're "waitin' on the world to change", you'll be waiting forever. It is in the changing of the self that one finds true happiness. Can you do this on your own? Of course, you can. And you should definitely try. There are innumerable materials available to begin your training for becoming self-actualized. But if you find you can't quite get started, or get stuck, or get lost on the path somewhere along the way, you might want to find your own Wizard of OZ. You might just want to get a coach.

 

 

Eat, Pray, Lust

Because I like to say something positive before saying anything negative, I'd like to compliment Elizabeth Gilbert on her beautiful writing style in the book Eat, Pray, Love. It is somehow lyrical and poetic, and punchy and contemporary at the same time. I enjoyed her story-telling prose very much, I appreciated her use of the eastern tradition of 108 prayers, and I especially took note of the overarching structure of her book, which is essentially the path of the dharma. It shows her deep understanding of the quest for enlightenment through a balance of living in the real world and dealing with it as it is, and trying to make the world a better place on a daily basis. That's why it is just so disappointing that she doesn't ever get to the end of her journey.

I certainly can't say that I am the most enlightened person on the planet, but I am willing to put my values and peace of mind up against the best of them. Nelson Mandela, bring it on... Bill Clinton, any day of the week, I'd even give Mother Teresa a run for her money just because I don't think she had enough balance in her life. And plus, she worked for a fairly corrupt organization that was structured such that she could never actually run it, and fully self-actualized people would fight that from within. Probably why she had a crisis of faith late in her career (read her autobiography). But Elizabeth Gilbert really tries very hard to become fully aware, fully self-actualized. She recognizes that she is not meant to have children, so she starts off at least somewhat self-aware. She also recognizes that she got married more because she thought she was supposed to (the reason most people get married, by the way), than because she had found a best friend and companion that she could grow with. So it was no surprise to me that when they grew apart, she needed to get out of the relationship. As we get older, more mature, and infinitely wiser, many of us find that we are not meant for the conventional lifestyles that we unconsciously chose because we saw everyone else making those choices. Taking desk jobs, buying homes and cars, getting married and having children... These are all societal "norms," but are by no means what everyone should do. It is unfortunate that our instincts and biophysical constitutions conspire to make us want to reproduce earlier rather than later in life. We humans would make much better parents in our 40's, 50's and 60's than our 20's, 30's and 40's. And many more of us would choose not to get married and have children for many very good reasons. And the majority of us would probably not suffer the tremendous pain of a gut-wrenching, mid-life crisis like Elizabeth Gilbert did. It is an unfortunate fact, however, that the vast majority of us do because we don't do the work that she did.

Ms. Gilbert goes on a year long journey to "find herself" and I again applaud her for the structure and thoughtfulness that she uses in setting out on her quest. She uses the path of the Buddha, a very good choice indeed when one is searching for enlightenment, of pleasure and ignorance of the realities of the world, then asceticism and total focus on the release from the ego. After this, if you have gone down the right path, you are supposed to find the "middle way." The middle way is the understanding of the temporary nature of human existence and the meaninglessness of anything except love of all existence; the self, the world around us such as it is, of all things in the universe. It is the recognition of the interconnectedness of all things and so one is compelled to make the best choices for the self and the world at large at every given moment. But I get the sense that Ms. Gilbert left India too early. I think she should have stayed at the Ashram for another month or two because, in Bali, she deviated from the path, and instead of finding love for the entirety of existence, she finds a guy she can bang without committment. Make no mistake... I get the fact that she goes to visit an old man very often and gains wisdom this way. Insight into the impermanance and transitory nature of life. I get that she finally started to give freely and without expectation of receiving anything in return, and without allowing her self to be taken advantage of. But she does not describe the love that she feels for all humanity in the last section of her book so much as she describes her sexual escapades with her new-found, South American boy-toy.

So, hear me Elizabeth Gilbert... I am looking forward to reading your new book Committed because I love your writing. But I am hoping that you have also committed yourself to completing your journey. Or, really, since no one's journey is ever complete, that you start back down the path. It is such a beautiful walk! Then maybe you can re-write the Love section of your book so that it has the most satisfying ending.

I Am (NOT) a Runner??!!

I am training for a 10K. Let me repeat that, with emphasis, because I am still trying to believe that I am actually saying that. I… AM TRAINING… FOR A 10K RUN!! If anyone had asked me three years ago if I could imagine myself running about 6.5 miles, I would have sputtered and doubled-over laughing. Once I caught my breath, I would have stated, in no uncertain terms and in a somewhat self deprecating tone, “I… am NOT… a runner.” But here I am, having just finished about a five-mile run, the salty grit still on my unwashed face, and I can state in equally uncertain terms, that I am training for a 10K. I am signed up. I have acquired the access to the gear bag and shoe chip. I am going to run with MARINES!!! I have become a runner.

I am planning to go to a political rally in Washington D.C. My first!! I am making a video blog about that, and if it turns out watchable, I’ll put it on You Tube. But the friend that I will be staying with told me he was signed up for the Marine Corp 10K run during the time I will be there, and I heard myself saying to him, “Oh! Well, I’ll run it too.” And thus it happens that a former one-to-two-miles-three-to-four-times-a-week, pseudo-runner has become a 10K runner. I went out today with a bit of fear; I will be running with Marines in Washington D.C., after all. Plus, since I run in Illinois, I am figuring that the hills are gonna be killers. I hit a head wind on the way back today and I thought, “What if I get a headwind AND a hill??!!” But I am also really looking forward to it. I started this whole thing on a tread mill at our health club two years ago quite by accident. I thought I would start working out with weights, and getting in shape, and I was committed to becoming “cream buff” as my cousin likes to say. But I found that the cardio part of my routine was the part I really liked. I could push a button on the tread mill and zone out. Actually, I did a TON of thinking about my next Avatar and I am getting close to getting it started, I think. So the running helped me meditate, really, and I am a better, stronger, faster person for it. I remember the first time I tried running as a form of exercise. I ran about ½ a mile, pulled a hammie and limped around for about 4 weeks. “See,” I told myself, “you’re not a runner.” That was about three years ago. And here I am today, still shy about saying it, thinking that all runners must run marathons and so I am still a runner-wanna-be, but I am, in fact, a runner. I’m addicted and proud.

I am also looking forward to chasing the cute rear ends of some hunky marines!! Semper Fi!!! Raarr!!

Nyet, uh uh, nope, no can do... What part of "No" didn't you understand?

I think the key to getting in a workout, massage, getting a moment to yourself or getting more important things done, whether you have toddlers or not, is saying "no." Say "no" to things that will otherwise fill your time with stuff that doesn't serve the goal of your health, your personal growth or your family's/society's well-being. I think many of us still believe in the Super-Mom/Dad concept without realizing what we are sacrificing, which is usually your personal time and a calm mind.

I know that when my kids' school needs something, I am often the first "yes" responder. I have come to control that recently, since I realized that it was taking a toll on me. We cannot be all things to all people and we MUST take care of ourselves first. Our entire selves; mind and body. We have a great tendency to ignore the body part (piece ;-) of that puzzle because the body is seemingly pretty good at taking care of itself. But, I think if we could actually speak to each and every cell in our bodies, they would be yelling at us to exercise and eat right WAY before they turned into cancer. It is unfortunate that most people don't start really thinking about health in a meaningful way until after they have, or someone close to them has, a catastrophic illness.

But not us, I say!!! So from now on, if someone asks you to do something, think before you speak. Then add only those things that promote your own personal growth. The below is part of the paradigm that I am developing that I think will help people to figure out if they SHOULD do anything, even if they can.

1) What will I sacrifice to do this? (time with family, working out, sanity/calm time)
2) Does it satisfy any of my needs? (Mental, Physical, Social)
3) Will it help to OPTIMIZE my life?

In order to take control of your life, you should answer these questions constantly. Whether you are thinking about putting a potato chip in your mouth or deciding whether or not to run for President.

Getting back to parents with toddlers, tell your spouse/significant other/baby-sitter that you'd like to go work-out at least twice a week. Schedule it. Then do it. Make it a part of your PERMANENT lifestyle, not just "until I lose ten pounds" or "until I feel fit".

Also, stop playing around on the internet ;-)